Physical Ache

So I thought I was doing well. I thought I was getting over it. But then, one mention of a member of his family, and my heart breaks at the memory of what I've lost. My brow tightens, tears spring to my eyes, my chest physically hurts. I realize now that saying good-bye to him also means saying good-bye to his family, a group of people that I've come to think of as my family. And I miss them all, terribly.

I don't have any regrets. I know that this has been the right thing to do. . . I just wish I didn't have to do it this way. I wish I had the strength to withstand this pain and go back to the way things were. But I also know that if I did, I'd fall in love all over again and have my heart broken again. . . and I seriously don't think I would survive.

When words leave off, music begins. –Heinrich Heine

Music is a huge part of my life. I have music playing almost 24/7. My radio is playing while I fall asleep. I always have the radio or a CD playing in my car. I even listen to music at work--even though I maybe shouldn't :O. And I've found that music can be a great therapy. There's almost always a song that comes on at a particular time in my life that makes me say, "YES! That's what I'm going through!!" Often times, when I find a song like this, I blog the lyrics--they say just what I need to say without having to put much effort into them [yes, I'm sometimes lazy :P]. Having songs like this out there in the world just when I need them leads me to two conclusions: 1.) God works in many ways. 2.) I'm not the only one in the whole world to feel/praise/hurt/rejoice/grieve like I do. Brings the world back down to a manageable size, you know?

The song I'm feeling right now is Matthew West's The Motions [see below for lyrics]. It makes me realize that I'm not doing all that I could be doing, all that I should be doing. I'm all too often consumed with self-pity and sorrow to see the blessings in my life, to see the opportunities to share with others, to go out and make something of my life. I'm greatly humbled to realize how much I worry about myself instead of living out our greatest mission in this life: "to lead others to an active faith in Jesus Christ."

The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?

"No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life'

Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)

take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)

take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

Revelation--Third Day

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now, I am left alone and I am broken

Trying to find my way

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that You are holding all the answers

And I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances

On roads that never seem

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me, when will I learn?

Won't You show me where I need to go?

Let me follow Your lead

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You