???

What just happened?

Have we.....?
Have we not.....?
Did we.....?
Did we not.....?

Please. Say something. Anything.

Birdie, Birdie in the Sky.....

It's amazing to sit here and listen to the different songs God gave to the birds.... I wish I'd listened more to my Grandpa to learn to recognize them.

45 Days.....

I am 45 days away from becoming Mrs. Todd Anthony Lee :D I feel so happy I'm ready to burst!! My life has taken quite a turn and I feel like a completely new person.....

But at the same time, I wonder so much about what my new life will be like, what I will be like, in 45 days...... I like that I'm busy all the time with baseball games and getting stuff done for the wedding, but I'm also disappointed that my house is as messy as it is and that I'm tired All. The. Time...... Will I be able to keep up with the housework when there's someone else living in the house with me? Will I find time to be with others, not just my husband? What will it be like being married to a college student who is also working and coaching? Will I be willing to wait three years to have kids? Will I figure out what else God wants for my life? Or will I be so wrapped up in me, me, me to see what He has in store for me?

I know that these are questions that everyone has when they get married, and I guess I needed to voice them, even if no one else reads them.....

[Oh, and this list is in no way complete.... :P]

Wow. . .

. . . it's been a while!! Now that I have my home computer set up and my summer is starting to wind down [groan], I'll try to be more regular!

Stuff to look forward to: my trip to Mexico [which you have to pronounce "meh-he-ko"], my trip to New Orleans [Nawlins], a camping outing, and a few birthday parties :)

Oh, and coming soon. . . a blog devoted to my photography!!

Update

Last night I was at my mom and dad's house when my mom asked if I'd had an update on the good doctor.

Nope.

Apparently, the weekend he was supposed to call me, he ended up having to take care of some personal stuff with his wife/ex-wife. And at some point, she was seen by doctors who discovered an imbalance in her brain, which was causing her to act the way she was. They've now remedied that with medication and the two are back together. And to tell you the truth, I'm so completely happy for the two of them and their daughter! I know from talking to friends that he was not wanting to let her go, but was tired of dealing with her craziness and I think when I was "introduced" into the picture, he'd just had a bad week and was wanting an out. Fortunately, I didn't become that out and my heartache and disappointment have been minimal.

Of course, to complete the picture, I was set up on a blind date with another guy a few weeks after the good doctor didn't call. This new guy proceeded to tell me on our date that after he'd called me, an old girlfriend had called him and he was wanting to go back to her. Again, I'm happy for him because I can tell how much he cares for her and I wish them the best of luck.

I'm just waiting for my love luck to drop. . .

Kite Day!!

Can I just say what fun it is to fly a kite? What utter joy. . . =)

Can I also say how great it is to see young teenagers -- ornery, troublesome teenagers -- helping 2nd graders fly kites? YAY!!

Meant to Hear, Apparently. . .

I wasn't going to blog lyrics today, but for some reason this song kept popping up yesterday. When I got into my car to drive to work, this song was on. When I left work to drive to my grandma's house, this song was on. And when I got home and crawled into bed, this song was on. . . And I'm not saying it came on during the drive -- I'm saying IT WAS ON THE RADIO WHEN I TURNED THE CAR ON!! Hopefully I can figure out what message I'm to learn :O.

Mighty to Save--Reuben Morgan
Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine Your light and
Let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory of the risen King
Jesus

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Proverbs 11:12-13

12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor,

but a man of understanding holds his tongue.
13 A gossip betrays a confidence,

but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

LORD, forgive me for the gossipping I choose to partake in. And help me to make better choices so that I may gossip no longer. . .

Not A Fan. . .

. . . of Mondays. Nope. Not a bit. Especially rainy ones that make you want to stay in bed all day.

I am, however, a fan of Dove dark chocolate. And after going 45 days without chocolate of any kind, I'm REALLY a fan!

Here are the quotes found on the inside of my Dove Dark Chocolate with Almonds:

1.) Embrace life.

2.) Love is not getting but giving.

3.) Find a moment of tranquility within your day and savor it.

4.) Enjoy the pure indulgence of DOVE. [umm, duh!!]

Love is Not a Fight -- Warren Barfield

Love is not a place

To come and go as we pleaseI

t’s a house we enter in

And then commit to never leave

Lock the door behind you

Throw away the key

We’ll work it out together

Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in the raging storm

Love is peace in the middle of a war

If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door

No, love is not a fight but it’s something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word

That they can fall into

But when they’re falling out

Keeping that word is hard to do

Love will come to save us

If we’ll only call

He will ask nothing of us

But demand we give our all

I will fight for you

Would you fight for me?

It’s worth fighting for

Disappointed

The Webster's Nonth New Collegiate Dictionary gives the following definitions:


DISAPPOINT: to fail to meet the expectation or hope of; frustrate

DISAPPOINTED: defeated in expectation or hope; thwarted


The Webster's New World Thesaurus gives the following synonyms:


DISAPPOINT: fail, delude, deceive, dissatisfy, disgruntle, disillusion, tantalize, embitter, ruin one's prospects, dash one's hopes, mislead, stand up, etc.


Why, when I'm filled with such hope, do I have to experience DISAPPOINTMENT?!?


Because the good doctor didn't call. . .



[As a quick sidenote, and hopefully leading to a better post tomorrow, I'm trying not to be too angry or embittered, but to give him a chance to explain. Maybe he did have a good reason not to call. . . ]

Eerie. . .

So my reasoning for writing the blog yesterday about The Horse was because I again went out to the farm to feed him while my friend was out of town. When I talked to my friend yesterday, she [teasingly] wanted to know why I had killed the corral-mate. . . That's right. The Horse's bully was found dead not 24 hours after I had been to feed The Horse. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo . . .

Feeding The Horse[s]

My mom, sister, and I were all talking about the things I do for others without getting paid, so here's an excerpt from my new book The Things I Do For Free:

Feeding the Horse[s]

I have a friend who asked me to feed her horse one weekend while she and her family were out of town. With nothing better to do that weekend, I agreed. I knew where the barn was, but I didn't really know anything else...

Once I got to the farm, I parked my car and headed out to the corral where The Horse and his corral-mate were, thinking the food would be nearby. They both saw me coming and ran over, thinking I'd have food. I didn't have the food, and it wasn't nearby, so they were disappointed and I was lost. I had to walk back over towards my car to get the food, then headed back to the corral. The corral-mate knew I had food this time and stayed by the fence [I had to tie him to the fence so he wouldn't kick The Horse when he was eating]. The Horse, however, had been so severly dejected that he headed back out without his food. Nothing I could do from the safe side of the fence would bring him back, so I had to venture inside the corral to lure him back. Since the corral-mate was tied up right inside the gate, I had to carefully walk around his backside to not get kicked, then walk out to The Horse. He ungraciously ignored me--great. I had to walk back to his feed bucket, grab some feed, walk back out to him, offer my feed-hand, let him eat the feed out of my hand, then walk him back to the feed bucket for the rest of the meal. Then it was carefully back around the backside of the corral-mate to get back out of the gate. Whew!! Since the corral-mate was still tied up and would kick The Horse to get his food once he was done eating his own food, I had to wait about 20 minutes or so for The Horse to finish eating so I could untie the corral-mate. Luckily I had grabbed a book to read. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my anti-chicken repelling goo to keep the chickens away.

The next day, I had to do this again! Luckily, I knew where the food was and was able to take it with me the first time so I didn't have to get into the corral again and have The Horse eat out of my hand again. Unluckily, someone else had been there since my first visit and had removed the halter from the corral-mate. How was I supposed to tie him up?!? Fortunately, the nameless visitor had left the halter on a nearby fence post and I was able to use my summer-camp-with-horses-training to get the halter around his head and neck in only about three tries. Unfortunately, I had once again failed to bring my anti-chicken repelling goo to keep the chickens away.

Physical Ache

So I thought I was doing well. I thought I was getting over it. But then, one mention of a member of his family, and my heart breaks at the memory of what I've lost. My brow tightens, tears spring to my eyes, my chest physically hurts. I realize now that saying good-bye to him also means saying good-bye to his family, a group of people that I've come to think of as my family. And I miss them all, terribly.

I don't have any regrets. I know that this has been the right thing to do. . . I just wish I didn't have to do it this way. I wish I had the strength to withstand this pain and go back to the way things were. But I also know that if I did, I'd fall in love all over again and have my heart broken again. . . and I seriously don't think I would survive.

When words leave off, music begins. –Heinrich Heine

Music is a huge part of my life. I have music playing almost 24/7. My radio is playing while I fall asleep. I always have the radio or a CD playing in my car. I even listen to music at work--even though I maybe shouldn't :O. And I've found that music can be a great therapy. There's almost always a song that comes on at a particular time in my life that makes me say, "YES! That's what I'm going through!!" Often times, when I find a song like this, I blog the lyrics--they say just what I need to say without having to put much effort into them [yes, I'm sometimes lazy :P]. Having songs like this out there in the world just when I need them leads me to two conclusions: 1.) God works in many ways. 2.) I'm not the only one in the whole world to feel/praise/hurt/rejoice/grieve like I do. Brings the world back down to a manageable size, you know?

The song I'm feeling right now is Matthew West's The Motions [see below for lyrics]. It makes me realize that I'm not doing all that I could be doing, all that I should be doing. I'm all too often consumed with self-pity and sorrow to see the blessings in my life, to see the opportunities to share with others, to go out and make something of my life. I'm greatly humbled to realize how much I worry about myself instead of living out our greatest mission in this life: "to lead others to an active faith in Jesus Christ."

The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?

"No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life'

Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)

take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)

take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

Revelation--Third Day

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now, I am left alone and I am broken

Trying to find my way

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that You are holding all the answers

And I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances

On roads that never seem

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me, when will I learn?

Won't You show me where I need to go?

Let me follow Your lead

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I Love You

I love you.

I can't help it. I know you can't help feeling the way you do, but neither can I.

I love how you make me feel special, and I love how much we've grown together.

I love that you bring out the best in me, and I love that you allow me to be myself.

I love seeing you interact with other people, and I love that their lives are happier because of you.

I love how patient you are with those it is hard to be patient with [although this does exclude your family sometimes].

I love to feel your arms around me, and I love how my heart does "wowzer" flip flops when I see you.

I love to see and hear you smile and laugh, and I love knowing that I've brought laughter into your life.

I love you despite your flaws, and I love that you've continued to be my friend despite mine.

I love you depsite your past.

I love you for our present and what we've had the last few months.

I love you for the future we could have.

I hurt when you hurt, I'm happy for you when you are happy, I want nothing but the best for you.

I LOVE YOU.

Another Excerpt

Here is another excerpt from my semester abroad:

Types of Music

Squeak squeak [pause] squeak squeak [pause] squeak squeak squeak. The rain we've been walking through has left a layer of wetness on the streets, creating the perfect medium for us to make our own music. Squeak squeak [pause]. Our legs provide the rhythm, a small twist of the ankle generates the sound. Squeak squeak [pause] squeak squeak squeak.

I keep looking for music in each of these ports, and feel like I've failed. But I've come to realize that there are other types of "music" that we hear every day. Car horns honking in Beijing; the squeak of bicycle tires in Vietnam; people chattering in restaurants—sometimes in English, sometimes not; bugs chirping/singing near the Kiyomizu Temple in Kyoto, so loud you can hardly hear yourself think (What kind of insects are these? Can they be found in the United States, or are they native to Japan?); the silent rhythm of kids who can't hear speaking to each other using sign language. These are all types of music. Sometimes, they can be breathtaking and absolutely beautiful; other times, you want to rip your ears off. But if you truly listen to what is around you—the annoying clicks of keyboards, the sounds of vacuums at 3:00 in the morning, the rhythmic pounding of waves upon the shore—you will realize that the music of this world is everywhere, it transcends all realms of race, gender, class, place of birth, language, etc. (And if you listen hard enough, you can hear my favorite music—the sound of a smile.)

Taking Chances

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world, but

Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and

I don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

I just want to start again,

And maybe you could show me how to try,

And maybe you could take me in,

Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,

But I always come back for more, yeah.

There's nothing like love to pull you up,

When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,

Like lovers do.

Yeah walk with me, walk with me,

Like lovers do,Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

Don't know much about your life

And I don't know much about your world

Free Days

Let's face it. I'm a simpleton. I like things as simple as possible. I'm not one to insist on getting all dressed up and going out to fancy restaraunts every weekend -- I'd much rather sit in jeans and T-shirts eating a $5 pizza fresh out of the oven. I'm not one to insist on going to clubs with hundreds of people I don't know just to hang out -- I'd much rather stay at home and DJ my own music in my living room with just a few people. I'm not one to insist on a huge wedding that costs thousands of $$$ -- I'd much rather have a smaller-key wedding with lots of fun with lots of people. I'm not one to insist on a huge diamond ring -- I'd much rather have a smaller diamond and be able to go camping for a week with the money saved. I'm not one to insist on expensive gifts and jewelry -- In fact, I'd much rather spend time with someone vs. getting any gift at all.

Because of this, my best friend and I have come up with Free Days, days in which we do something new and completely random -- but doesn't cost anything [save the cost of gas to get to and from -- and which has to be purchased prior to Free Day]. We've gone to the library to learn sign language while sitting on the floor in the middle of the aisle. We've talked for hours sitting on the side of a hill on a golf course in the middle of the night. We've gone to a park and watched fireworks. We've window shopped at the D.A.V.

We've both been super busy the last few weeks and haven't been able to have a Free Day in quite a while. . . I hope we can find time to have one soon.