Physical Ache

So I thought I was doing well. I thought I was getting over it. But then, one mention of a member of his family, and my heart breaks at the memory of what I've lost. My brow tightens, tears spring to my eyes, my chest physically hurts. I realize now that saying good-bye to him also means saying good-bye to his family, a group of people that I've come to think of as my family. And I miss them all, terribly.

I don't have any regrets. I know that this has been the right thing to do. . . I just wish I didn't have to do it this way. I wish I had the strength to withstand this pain and go back to the way things were. But I also know that if I did, I'd fall in love all over again and have my heart broken again. . . and I seriously don't think I would survive.

When words leave off, music begins. –Heinrich Heine

Music is a huge part of my life. I have music playing almost 24/7. My radio is playing while I fall asleep. I always have the radio or a CD playing in my car. I even listen to music at work--even though I maybe shouldn't :O. And I've found that music can be a great therapy. There's almost always a song that comes on at a particular time in my life that makes me say, "YES! That's what I'm going through!!" Often times, when I find a song like this, I blog the lyrics--they say just what I need to say without having to put much effort into them [yes, I'm sometimes lazy :P]. Having songs like this out there in the world just when I need them leads me to two conclusions: 1.) God works in many ways. 2.) I'm not the only one in the whole world to feel/praise/hurt/rejoice/grieve like I do. Brings the world back down to a manageable size, you know?

The song I'm feeling right now is Matthew West's The Motions [see below for lyrics]. It makes me realize that I'm not doing all that I could be doing, all that I should be doing. I'm all too often consumed with self-pity and sorrow to see the blessings in my life, to see the opportunities to share with others, to go out and make something of my life. I'm greatly humbled to realize how much I worry about myself instead of living out our greatest mission in this life: "to lead others to an active faith in Jesus Christ."

The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?

"No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life'

Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)

take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)

take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

Revelation--Third Day

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now, I am left alone and I am broken

Trying to find my way

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that You are holding all the answers

And I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances

On roads that never seem

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me, when will I learn?

Won't You show me where I need to go?

Let me follow Your lead

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying

To find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move?

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

I Love You

I love you.

I can't help it. I know you can't help feeling the way you do, but neither can I.

I love how you make me feel special, and I love how much we've grown together.

I love that you bring out the best in me, and I love that you allow me to be myself.

I love seeing you interact with other people, and I love that their lives are happier because of you.

I love how patient you are with those it is hard to be patient with [although this does exclude your family sometimes].

I love to feel your arms around me, and I love how my heart does "wowzer" flip flops when I see you.

I love to see and hear you smile and laugh, and I love knowing that I've brought laughter into your life.

I love you despite your flaws, and I love that you've continued to be my friend despite mine.

I love you depsite your past.

I love you for our present and what we've had the last few months.

I love you for the future we could have.

I hurt when you hurt, I'm happy for you when you are happy, I want nothing but the best for you.

I LOVE YOU.

Another Excerpt

Here is another excerpt from my semester abroad:

Types of Music

Squeak squeak [pause] squeak squeak [pause] squeak squeak squeak. The rain we've been walking through has left a layer of wetness on the streets, creating the perfect medium for us to make our own music. Squeak squeak [pause]. Our legs provide the rhythm, a small twist of the ankle generates the sound. Squeak squeak [pause] squeak squeak squeak.

I keep looking for music in each of these ports, and feel like I've failed. But I've come to realize that there are other types of "music" that we hear every day. Car horns honking in Beijing; the squeak of bicycle tires in Vietnam; people chattering in restaurants—sometimes in English, sometimes not; bugs chirping/singing near the Kiyomizu Temple in Kyoto, so loud you can hardly hear yourself think (What kind of insects are these? Can they be found in the United States, or are they native to Japan?); the silent rhythm of kids who can't hear speaking to each other using sign language. These are all types of music. Sometimes, they can be breathtaking and absolutely beautiful; other times, you want to rip your ears off. But if you truly listen to what is around you—the annoying clicks of keyboards, the sounds of vacuums at 3:00 in the morning, the rhythmic pounding of waves upon the shore—you will realize that the music of this world is everywhere, it transcends all realms of race, gender, class, place of birth, language, etc. (And if you listen hard enough, you can hear my favorite music—the sound of a smile.)

Taking Chances

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world, but

Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and

I don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

I just want to start again,

And maybe you could show me how to try,

And maybe you could take me in,

Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,

But I always come back for more, yeah.

There's nothing like love to pull you up,

When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,

Like lovers do.

Yeah walk with me, walk with me,

Like lovers do,Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

Don't know much about your life

And I don't know much about your world

Free Days

Let's face it. I'm a simpleton. I like things as simple as possible. I'm not one to insist on getting all dressed up and going out to fancy restaraunts every weekend -- I'd much rather sit in jeans and T-shirts eating a $5 pizza fresh out of the oven. I'm not one to insist on going to clubs with hundreds of people I don't know just to hang out -- I'd much rather stay at home and DJ my own music in my living room with just a few people. I'm not one to insist on a huge wedding that costs thousands of $$$ -- I'd much rather have a smaller-key wedding with lots of fun with lots of people. I'm not one to insist on a huge diamond ring -- I'd much rather have a smaller diamond and be able to go camping for a week with the money saved. I'm not one to insist on expensive gifts and jewelry -- In fact, I'd much rather spend time with someone vs. getting any gift at all.

Because of this, my best friend and I have come up with Free Days, days in which we do something new and completely random -- but doesn't cost anything [save the cost of gas to get to and from -- and which has to be purchased prior to Free Day]. We've gone to the library to learn sign language while sitting on the floor in the middle of the aisle. We've talked for hours sitting on the side of a hill on a golf course in the middle of the night. We've gone to a park and watched fireworks. We've window shopped at the D.A.V.

We've both been super busy the last few weeks and haven't been able to have a Free Day in quite a while. . . I hope we can find time to have one soon.